Watching someone you love in the throes of an addiction can be devastating. The fact that you are reading this means that you care enough about the person to go out of your way to help. That may make the difference between life and death for your loved one.

Any addiction is dysfunctional and disruptive not only in the addict’s life but to anyone connected to this person. For families of addicts, feelings of fear, shame, anger, guilt, frustration and confusion over a loved one’s addiction can cause deep anxiety, sleepless nights, and even physical illness. The emotional distress family members suffer is often compounded by the belief that they somehow caused or contributed to their loved one’s addiction or that they could have done something to prevent it. No doubt you have also felt love for the addict.

Often times, the presence of an addiction is mistakenly viewed as a problem of the identified individual alone and not as a family disorder. Family members, just like the addict, experience pain and dysfunction as a result of the addiction. That’s called codependency. Family members of addicts are often viewed as codependents. “Co” from Webster’s dictionary means “together, with, or joint.” Dependent is defined as “influenced, controlled, or determined by something else. (the addiction)” A codependent is someone whose life is intertwined with the addicted person. Unknowingly their attitudes and actions enable the addict to continue their behavior. By enabling the addict, a dysfunctional pattern of interaction within the family contributes to the dysfunction in one’s own life. Codependents often feel that if they can only control the disease, everything will turn out OK. Codependents usually start off trying to help the addict by giving support and trying to reward the desired behaviors. When encouragement and reward do not work, the codependent changes strategies and delivers subtle threats. These threats quickly escalate, culminating in the ultimate threat of all, leaving the relationship. This threat is usually withdrawn, leaving the codependent feeling helpless and guilty. The investment in controlling the disease is so great because they not only want to save their loved one but also their self-esteem is at risk

Family members often take on certain roles within the family system. These roles are not set in stone and family members often take on different roles at different times in their life. Some of the most common roles are:

Enabler: The enabler is usually the individual emotionally closest to the addict. They watch over, protect and hide things to “help” the addict.

Hero: Usually the oldest child in the family takes on, or is given, the role of the hero. They are often perceived as being helpful within the family. Getting attention early in their life gives them a partial sense of worth and they often continuously strive to achieve approval and recognition. The hero is often the beacon of the family and represents for the family what is right with the family. Underneath the successful and confident exterior lies a sense of inadequacy and guilt. Part of these feelings are a result of the hero’s inability to fix the family and the addict.

Scapegoat: The scapegoat is often the second child in the family. Since much of the family attention has been directed to the hero, the scapegoat gains attention by acting out and getting in trouble. Since they perceive they can never get the praise the hero receives, negative attention is better than receiving no attention at all.

Lost Child: The lost child is usually the middle child in the family. By the time the lost child enters the family, the family members are too preoccupied with their own behaviors and roles to allow for quality time. The lost child is often shy, introverted and withdrawn. Since they never had the opportunity to learn to socialize within the family, they find making friends difficult. To cope, the lost child turns inward and develops a fantasy life. The lost child is particularly vulnerable to the development of an addiction as they often use alcohol or drugs to comfort themselves.

Mascot: The mascot is usually the last one born into the family. The way they receive attention is to be funny, cute, and entertaining. When there is pain in the family they divert attention through making light of the situation. The mascot finds difficulty with growing up because they have been rewarded for their childlike behavior. Since they have not been taken seriously in the family they often grow up feeling unimportant and inadequate.

Often times, family member or friends plagued by addiction don’t know what to do. Do you remain silent and stay with them or confront them and leave? Should you use tough love or tread gently?

If there is someone in your life that is having problems with drugs or alcohol remember that you didn’t cause the addiction, nor can you cure it, but you can contribute to the recovery of a loved one. You cannot change their behavior, only your own. Below are some tips.

• Don’t regard Alcoholism/Chemical Dependency as a family DISGRACE. Recovery from this disease can and does happen.

• Don’t nag, preach, or lecture. Chances are they have already told themselves everything you can tell them. They will take just so much and shut out the rest. You may only increase their need to lie or force them to make promises they cannot possibly keep.

• Don’t do for the alcoholic/chemically dependent persons what they can do for themselves….or that which must be done by themselves. You cannot take their medicine for them. Don’t remove the problem before they can face it, solve it, or suffer the consequences.

• Begin to understand and live ONE DAY AT A TIME.

• Begin to learn the facts about this disease and the role that you have in it.

• Be willing to assume responsibility for your own life completely and abandon any attempt to change him/her – even for their own good. Stop trying to manage their lives and begin to manage your own.

• Hold On. Change is never easy. The addict will probably accuse you of abandoning them, put guilt trips on you, or even threaten you. You must realize that this is because the addict does not want the current situation to change, no matter what they say. They need your help to continue the way they have been living, and losing you means they may have to face up to their problems they have been avoiding with their substance of choice. You are not responsible for them, their choices, or their actions, only your own.

• Take care of yourself. Remember that you choose how to live your life, and you make choices of how you react to what happens to you. It’s not your fault that someone else has an addiction. But you don‘t have to allow that person to negative impact your life because of their actions.

Resources for Families, Friends and Loved Ones

Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA) – If you are an adult whose life was affected by being raised in an alcoholic or other dysfunctional family
AL-ANON – If you have been affected by a loved one’s alcohol use
ALATEEN – If you are a teen affected by a loved one’s alcohol use
Codependency Anonymous – If you have a desire for healthy and loving relationships
Families Anonymous (FA) – If you are concerned about a loved one’s substance use or behavioral problems
NAR-ANON – If you have been affected by a loved one’s substance use
SMART Recovery Family & Friends – If you are concerned about a loved one’s substance use